a sad day

Today the sad day came when we had to take Josh back to the airport.  He was with us for almost three weeks, but it went by too fast.  We enjoyed  him so much and made the most of our time together.  We stayed up late last night having last minute fun, and then had to leave at 5:00 this morning to get him to the airport.  Since he was an unaccompanied minor, we were able to wait with him at his gate.  We grabbed some breakfast and spent our last half hour playing a game he taught us.  They started the boarding announcements and the time came to give hugs and say goodbye.  It was so hard on all of us.  I know he had mixed feelings, being away from home for so long, he was ready to get back.. but he was really sad to leave too.  And we were really sad to see him go.  We all cried on our drive home.  We really don't know when we'll see him again.  We're hoping to make a trip back to the Bay Area in the spring, but right now finances are really tight, so it's not a sure thing.

Between sobs, I listened to Frontline's "The Combination" cd and remembered singing my heart out to those songs many times.  There's one song called "Better in the End" (which you can hear on their myspace page).  I love Frontline and this cd and have listened to and sung along often.  I really purpose to be a worshipper who pays attention to the words and sing the songs from my heart.  Today as I listened, when it got to the "I don't want to fear what you may change.  Make Yourself at home in me.  You see the picture of my life... so much better in the end" part, I thought, "really, God?  With this plan it's going to be better in the end?  Because I liked my life before.  Things were going great and You know how much family means to me.  Really, we had to leave all that?"  And I often wonder if we'll go back or if His plan is to keep us here.  It's not that I don't like it here.  I actually do.  And we've been making friends and connecting with great people.  But "what used to be" was amazing too.  I really don't like the idea of being so far away from sisters and cousins and close friends that we have no idea when we'll see them again.  I feel like there's such a huge hole because they're not part of our daily lives anymore.  Yes, we can call and email and Facebook and Skype.  But there's just nothing like cousins getting together and laughing and playing and creating and just being.  Together.  My youngest niece has started walking since we've been gone.  I'm afraid Judah may be walking by the time we see them again.  That's just not ok with me.  Yes I trust God completely with my life and what His plan is.  Yes He's blessed us with an amazing church and people here already.  This is a new church and we're getting plugged in, and it's exciting to be a part of what God is doing there.  But I'm sad today and that's what's coming out here.  This is a good place.  And these are good people.  I just want both.  A couple of weeks ago my kids were doing a floor puzzle of the map of the U.S.  They rearranged things a bit and put Minnesota right next to California.  I liked that idea.  I think I'd even overlap them so we could be neighbors.  My God is a good God.  I know that His plan is to prosper and not to harm us.  I know that this is a grieving process and I'm so thankful that He knows me and lets me cry it out and holds me through it all.